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How to cope with conflict?


Conflict

is a part of all human relationships. Sooner or later two or more people will disagree, because we are all different. We can want different things, we can see the same thing differently, we have different likes and dislikes, etc. Where differences occur, there is the possibility of conflict. What matters is not so much that there is disagreement, but how it is handled. There can be conflict, destructiveness and disrespect, or, differences can be resolved constructively and respectfully. We all learn our own way of handling disagreements with others. Our way becomes a habitual reaction to any conflict. This leads to a pattern developing of what happens in conflict. We can learn new ways to deal with conflict. We can then choose to respond from habit, or, choose to deal with each new disagreement in a different way - this often feels uncomfortable at first, but becomes more natural the more we practice it.

Conflict in families where there is addiction

Disagreement frequently arises in families where there is addiction, because the user wants different things than other family members. For example an addict may want to spend household money on drugs, which other family members want to spend on food, rent, bills, etc. Families cope as best they can with what they know. However, often entrenched patterns of conflict develop which are stressful, upsetting and frustrating.

Conflict is created by both people

What ever happens between two people, including Conflict, is created by both of them, as they say .it takes two to tango. Both people create what happens, because each influences the other and each is affected by the other.
For example: Reza comes into the living room looking stoned. His Dad shouts in an exasperated way I’ve told you don’t use drugs in the house. Reza reacts by angrily saying .you never leave me alone. Reza’s mum then intervenes and says .you shouldn’t shout at your Dad he’s only trying to help. Reza reacts by getting angry with his mum. Mum starts to cry. Dad then says. Look what you’ve done to your poor mother again. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with what they believe or feel, such as Reza feeling got at, Dad believing Reza shouldn’t use in the house and being angry about that, or Mum getting upset because she was shouted at. It is how they respond to believing or feeling these things that is problematic.
Two significant things are happening here. How they behave invites a certain kind of response from the other person, and, how they respond to others is them taking up the. Invitation to respond that way. This is how conflict is created by everyone involved. Noticing how people create conflict together is not about saying who is to blame or that the conflict is a particular person’s fault. Typically, people are coping as best they can and inadvertently create the conflict. If how I behave invites a certain kind of response from the other person, then I can choose to behave in a way that invites them to respond in the way that I want. If how I respond to others is to accept their invitation to react in a certain way, then I can choose to decline their invitation and react in a different way. When we choose our response and behave differently, then often other people respond differently to us. What we put out, we get back. Therefore:
You can’t change someone else, but… You can change your response to them. This then invites a different response from them, and … They may respond this way and change. So, if you want to change someone, try changing yourself!
In conflict we tend to either, give up and feel powerless to affect the way someone behaves, or, we try to dominate and control him or her. However, the reality of any relationship is somewhere in between these two. We do have influence. Our influence has limits This isn’t magic and doesn’t always work. The other person may not. Hear. Your invitation as you meant it, or they may decline to take up your invitation.

Copying with Conflict

The first step is to choose not to be in conflict. Ideas for using your influence to encourage negotiating include: 1- Knowing about conflict Reflect upon what happens in the conflicts you have with the family member who uses substances. To help ask yourself:
  • What are the triggers to conflict starting?
  • Does it have to even start?
  • What are the fixed patterns to how conflict goes?
  • What are the roles people adopt?
  • What are the pay-offs people get for the roles they play?
  • What are the prices people pay for the role?
  • What is my responsibility, because this is the bit I can change?
2- Being assertive
  • Using our personal power assertively, rather than being aggressive, passive or
  • Passive-aggressive. Assertiveness leads to. Win-win. Outcomes.
3- Setting boundaries
  • It may be necessary to set a boundary, such as around how you talk about the issues
  • That provoke conflict or around the issue of disagreement.
4- Developing a dialogue As Winston Churchill said .Jaw jaw is better than war war. In conflict there are usually two or more monologues. People are talking at each other and not listening. Aim for dialogue, which can be done by….
  • Choosing your moment (not when someone is using obviously!)
  • Slowing down the conversation
  • Listening
  • Being open and honest
  • Respecting the other person. You do not have to like or respect some aspects of someone’s behavior. Respecting someone is recognizing that anyone is more than some of their behavior and is worthy of respect as another human being. We are all different and we are all equal
  • Accepting and understanding the other person’s point of view, even when Weldon’s agree. Two people can experience the same thing differently
  • Using .I.... statements to own what we say
  • Recognizing our part of the responsibility for what has happened
  • Recognizing that others are responsible for the choices they make and their behavior
  • Acknowledging how we feel, acknowledging how the other person feels
  • Expressing feelings appropriately
  • Recognizing the need for all to exercise both rights and responsibilities
  • Collaborating rather than confronting
  • Commenting on what someone does rather than what they say, such as .I note you say again you won’t use drugs in the house and in the past you always have.
  • Staying in this role. You will be inviting others to respond this way.
5- 5-Negotiating
  • Starting easy and finishing strong, ratcheting up the toughness of your response only as necessary
  • Collaborating, being flexible and willing to compromise to reach an agreement, but, Holding out for what is most important and compromising on lesser things
  • Assessing the likely risks to peoples health of the consequences of any negotiation
  • Aiming for everyone to feel they have got something. The idea of. win-win. (as opposed to .win-lose. or .lose-lose.)
  • Helping people to save face, rather than humiliating them or being triumphalist
  • Agreeing the terms of the resolution, such as when it will start, when you will talk about it again, the consequences of any boundary being broken, etc.
  • Making a clear agreement
6- Supporting ourselves
  • Contacting organizations that can help, such as Refuge for domestic violence, mediation services, counseling, family support groups, etc
  • Accepting the support of people you know, either to talk about the difficulties of the conflicts you have, or to have a diversion away from them
  • Letting ourselves have a break from conflict/having a place of sanctuary to go to
Seeing conflicts as opportunities. Though conflicts are frequently seen as a crisis, they may also be seen as an opportunity for positive change.

Copying with other people’s anger

If we react to others defensively by attacking or withdrawing, conflict often increases. If, instead, we respond assertively we can help to bring the conflict to a level at which emotions can be reduced and negotiating then becomes possible.
  • Saying “Enough” Or .I doesn’t want your anger. Firmly putting our hand up as if stopping traffic. Everyone has the right to say to someone else that they are angry with him or her.
  • No one has the right to be abusive and aggressive to someone else.
  • Making an. Action. Response - Outcome. Statement. The three parts of this are
When you. I feel. And I ask that.. This is saying to how someone’s behavior leads you to respond and what you want to happen, e.g. .When you break our agreement not to use drugs in our home I feel so angry and exasperated with your behavior. I ask again that you honor what we agreed. What is important is that. Action. Describes the user’s behavior not them as a person, Response. Is about your reaction so is not blaming of them and Outcome. Is what you want, not a demand.
  • Being a. broken record. Keep repeating what you want and not letting yourself be deflected away.
  • Compromising or playing for time now, negotiating later when dialogue is possible.
  • If however the above feels too much of a risk, because you feel threatened then withdraw from the situation. This could be for a few moments through to ending all contact with the person.

Unhealthy ways of dealing with anger

v Our anger is potentially dangerous to us and to others. Therefore there are many unwritten social. Rules. Inhibiting anger to control these risks. We typically swallow these. Rules. Whole as children and then have beliefs such as .it is unreasonable to be angry. or .people who are angry are out of control. Or. It’s bad to be angry. v This fear and shame about anger can mask it or lead us to modify what we do with it, with potentially unhealthy consequences. When we are not aware of being angry, or are aware but don’t express it, anger can then become modified. v Anger we are unable to effectively express can become persisting bitterness v Anger that is denied can be displaced onto other people or organizations v Anger that is denied can also be displaced within ourselves, becoming guilt and potentially depression v Unexpressed anger that is suppressed within us can lead to tiredness, depression and physical illness v Anger occasionally leads us to regress, as if we were a rebellious child again, and can lead to us living a restricted life or acting out our anger through our behavior v Signs that can indicate that we might be unaware of our anger include: regularly feeling irritable, critical, bored, dissatisfied or disturbed. v Signs that can indicate we are misplacing our anger include being overly sensitive to minor annoyances, being angry with people who don’t. Deserve. It, a regular sense of injustice, or regularly blaming others or ourselves. v Often suppressing, denying, or inappropriately expressing anger invites or perpetuates conflict.

Seeking support

Coping with and conflict for most people is difficult. It can be especially hard if we feel isolated and unsupported. It can be beneficial to find individuals or organizations that will support and help you as you try to address the conflict that may be happening in your relationships. You can search for local services which support families affected by substance use on the Adfam website www.adfam.org.uk It also has a list of national support and information agencies which may be able to help you with the specific problems you face. The source of above information is with the permission of ADFAM. For the direct link to the source of this page click on: http://www.adfam.org.uk/pdf/adfam_coping_with_conflict.pdf
 

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